Wednesday, May 24, 2006

 

A little about me.

that's me over there on the left. yes, i am that creepy looking in person ... mainly because i have this condition that gives me shifty eyes. i think when people look at me they get nervous because they think i'm having a seizure, but they aren't quite certain how they're going to wedge a spoon into my tiny mouth to make it stop. it kind of puts them on edge.

Anyway, i really am crazy i'm not just living an image like that Fonzi guy ... as soon as you found out his real name was Henry Winkler ... douche alert! ... i'd rather model myself after Urkel. i mean, i chase objects that don't move ... i have conversations with my tail ... my diet consists of cat food and licking soap scum off the shower curtain ... i am not balanced, people. Despite all this, i have an owner who loves me unconditionally. However, we just moved into a new place with her boyfriend ... and this motherfucker is a real fuckin hard case.

I mean, no bullshit, this guy is always on my fuckin back. "Nona, get out of the blinds!", or "Nona, get off the table!", or "Nona, get out of the shower!" I mean, what the fuck? Jesus Christ, Stalin, I get it - it's your fucking house. You make all the fucking rules. But guess what? Fuck you, that's what. I am genetically predisposed to not taking orders from a third rate dictator.

Like today ... i walk over to the chair in the living room and begin to dig my claws into it.

He shouts, "Nona, cut it out! Nona!"

But i don't take his shit, so i looked him right in the eye and said, "Meow!"

I mean get real, slick ... i have fuckin claws. deal with it. what the hell do you expect me to touch your ugly furniture with ... you'd probably start bitchin' if i chewed it, too. I know your type. don't get me wrong, i could understand if we were talkin about some Precious Moments figurines ... those things are absolutely fuckin adorable ... but a dirty ass old chair? you need to take your fuckin meds, spaz ... and if the chair is so damn important you might wanna consider not putting your dirty ass all over it.

Then this hot-headed bitch charges me like a bull and shit ... now, normally, i would go toe-to-toe with his ass, but sometimes it's funnier to just run into the bedroom and hide under the bed. He can't reach me all the way back there. Anyway, he goes outside and guess what? I ran right back into the living room and clawed the shit out of that ugly ass chair. Who makes the rules, now, bitch!

After all that excitement, i took a nap ... on his pillow.

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